****
posted on Saturday, February 25, 2006 at 05:35 p.m.
Written Three Years Ago
"*smiles* i will be okay. why? because that's what i do- i fight- i survive. my spirit won't let go and that's only why i'm still alive and here. sure. i'm going through a huge battle with depression right now. but i have been throughout my whole life- i need to remove myself from it. i hate it but i have to learn to accept it.
i have a lot to offer someone but mostly, i have a lot to offer myself.
earlier today i was getting all upset and frustrated about how everyone only sees my reflection: that person i see in the mirror. and i'm not arguing- i'm not awful looking and my body also has a lot to offer some lucky guy but i'm sick of it. i want someone to find that my mind and spirit have more to offer.
lately, jokingly with my friends, i've been complaining about being hard up and not getting any action- which is true: i haven't gotten any action for a really long time. thing is, i'm choosing this dry spell. harsh, but it's too easy for me to find a guy that'll appreciate my body and beg for more (because, trav, you know they'll never get enough). and i'm not willing to settle for that. "wow. thank you. *blushes* i'm flattered"
uh, true. i am flattered but i'm not impressed. plus, i've heard that before, sell me something i can't ignore. if i was invisible, would you notice me? if you were blind would you still fall in love with me? why?
because this stops right here. now.
do you know me? describe my spirit- who i am, not what you see.
would you still believe in me if i fell? 'cause i'm bound to fail- to disappoint you.
i'm not scared of your ideas of failure...

i fear reaching myne."

**Lying**
posted on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 at 09:29 p.m.
do you ever feel that loneliness- the cause and separation
of your soul- the kind of pain that never goes away- even when
the morning and excuses come to cover it?

i don't need to be seen- or showered with your gifts and laughter-
i don't need to spell out the days and times together- don't need cartons
of decaying roses and friends that wash up on the shore- these footprints
are bloody but i know where they've been- i have the tracks here
in my palm and i know i don't need to be falling in love- falling and grasping-
trying to choke the life out of you- and i'm not going to-
not going to stand here in my sheltered window and curse all life on the world-
i'm just going to be fallen- curled up within blankets- and crying- because
strength
was never something i was good at- and lieing
is what i've always done-
and don't want to do again.

**This Circle**
posted on Monday, January 30, 2006 at 09:43 p.m.
i just want to stay here- in this-
falling in the moment. feeling your skin-
your gaze. trailing your body with my fingers-
leaving behind prints and kisses.
feeling the way you move and bend-
i don't want to ever see you bleed,
but instead fill your blood with passion and happiness.

i've never knelt like this.
i've not offered my blood as a sacrifice,
but kept it bottled for a living vessel to touch
and caress-
i don't want to be just a lukewarm corpse for you.
instead, i want more.

something beyond my grasp of human nature.
something my past has not chained me to-
something where i don't have to worry about my knees,
getting bruised for eternity.

i come to you, with all my insanity and lessons
and burns.
the scars don't itch anymore
but they used to. i am me. and won't ever hide from it-
but i will step forward
and out of myself
in order to touch you and begin in this circle
that's so unspeakable for me.

**Beyond The Night**
posted on Saturday, January 28, 2006 at 11:59 a.m.
you look up at me with those eyes. ask me if i'm drinking tonight. i've drank so much that i don't want to know watever is on your mind tonight. but go ahead and come join me. i can promise that it won't be anything by morning.
no i don't want you touching me.
holding me.
telling me that i'm beautiful. or that i'm alright.
nothing is right in this circle anymore.
nothing can mend wat i have burned.

you look up at me with those eyes. don't. i don't need your pity. your help. your strength. i'm doing fine on my own.
i have a guy who will hold me.
who will drink with me.
who will keep things the way they are.
happy. easygoing. unserious.

this is no way love. or lust. or anything. it's sumthing that works. we meld together in nothingness.

so don't look up at me with those eyes. telling me that i could do so much more. that i deserve so much more.
you have not lived my life, nor tasted it.

you know nothing beyond the night.

****
posted on Wednesday, January 11, 2006 at 06:11 p.m.
Added a new link---my latest written poetry so click here to read...will hopefully add this link to the top left of this homepage...but i've got tons of editing to do tonight. i'm going to be posting my revised older poetry under the link Poetry I and hopefully will get all that done...have something like 30 pages left to do....cross your fingers for me!!!

Welcome Jess to my site..hope you don't judge me too much on my writing.
also, JayDawg...i miss you hun and i hope you're doing alright.

**Conversations with a Poet...**
posted on Tuesday, January 3, 2006 at 2:06 a.m.
ON RELIGION "...i believe in the big purple dinasour in the sky. sounds silly but hear me out. i'm so sick of the barriers and judging that goes on with believers and between believers and everything. i know that i have the choice to do what i want. and i just choose to love. because i don't know the truth. i don't know if the bible is exactly god's word. i don't know what's right. and i mean how can i? i'm only human, so i just believe in love and the big purple dinasour in the sky because that's the only thing you can call it without offending anyone.."

ON DEATH